Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance Review

Sundowner: “Heh, you’re wrong Raiden, the weak are meant to be prey for the strong! It’s the primal law, Survival of the Fittest! RAHHHHH!”

*Sundowner leaps towards Raiden, drawing his new weapons, dual battleaxes with two heads made of lasers. Everything turns dark as a murder of cybernetic crows appears from behind Sundowner. Raiden waves his sword around killing dozens of robotic crows creating a cloud of gears and feathers. Their weapons clash and the impact is enough to drive Raiden through the core of the Earth and out the other side. They emerge in Australia. Raiden is inexplicably wearing a Crocodile Dundee outfit with a floppy folded leather hat, croc tooth necklace, and leather vest*

Raiden: “No, you’re wrong, I am strong, but it is my job to protect the weak from the bad strongs, which you are one of. A Bad Strong, that is.”

*They charge each other again and as they clash, everything goes into slow motion. The camera pans around them then focuses on a kangaroo throwing a boomerang at a koala bear*

Raiden: “I won’t let you or the patriots exploit the robot children brains any more. I will find them good jobs so they can grow up happy. Maybe they can get good jobs at Wet Seal, I don’t know.”

*Sundowner starts doing cartwheels so fast that a huge tornado happens and Raiden gets caught up in it. They rocket into space*

Sundowner: “Ha! You’ve played right into our trap Raiden, all the board members of Wet Seal are also members of the LaLiLuLeLo!”

Raiden: “No! It can’t be! They have a super cute crop top I really wanted to get for Sunny!”

*Raiden turns into Jack the Ripper*

Jack the Ripper Raiden: “Fuck you man, you fucked up, time to die fucker!”

*Doktor calls on Codec*

Doktor: “Raiden! You’re both in space, you have no way of controlling your bodies there! It looks like you’re doomed to float forever caught in an embarrassingly juvenile conversation about dumb conspiracy theories, reductive politics, and community college philosophy forever with a trite anime villain!”

Jack the Ripper Raiden: “Fuck you fucker!”

*Both Raiden and Sundowner float helplessly through space forever*